SNOOP BLOGGY BLOG

How To Ruin Your Blog in 60 Days

radmin — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 21:49:28 +0000

Apparently there are those who miss us, the bloggers, and all that we do. Sadly, Bloggy Blog is 6th or 7th down on the list of priorities – right behind lady jokes and Willie Nelson’s Countryman – now that we are operating Bushwick’s finest Motor-porium (Sorry Pote’s Custom Yarn Harleys). Since I am giving, kind, and all out of in-store innuendo, here’s one of those, sigh, recap rundowns:
- Summer has been in full swing. The Official Orphange Waitin’ List is back and is long. So call next time, unless you want to lock your bike around the corner and run the risk of it getting street-arted by bored youths.
- We sold bikes to suckers in transitionary pre-Real Motorcycle periods of their lives. Thanks suckers!
- 1977 packed up and closed down their San Fran store. Now whose floor is Flynn gonna mop?
- Cliff helps out on Sundays.
- The massive exodus from California continues – Annelise, Erin, Bella, Garvan, couple Treats dudes (evidenced by their top tanks, drug usage, and knowledge of castle sales), Joey, soon Noah, Ross from Cracked.com, Peter Fonda and Snake Plisskin, probably Pat Turner. Isn’t it exciting that you have no idea who these people are? Isn’t it?
- The New York Times put another superfluous nail in print’s coffin by featuring us in an article, complete with picture of awkward standabouts in front of the store and a Ryan Due filth machine.
- Time Out New York followed suit. Next thing you know some local rag you’ve never heard of will be jabbering about our takeover of fixed gear culture’s tiny hatted bandwagoneers.
- Oh wait.
- We sold more bikes.
- There was a rally hosted by Mission 23 and a person from Boston was overheard to say that it was “cool” and “fun.” Also, their new Dave Coulier inspired logo is finally allowing Michael Jordan fans to show their pride in public without fear of being associated with “Those Hot Rod fans.” And they cheated to beat us in softball.
- We postponed a trip to North Carolina via moped to spend our summer talking to people about how we don’t sell scooters.

So. How about you?

Got a beep from Kim

bradley — Tue, 25 May 2010 19:40:55 +0000

Who’s known for her nocturnal endurance. And ol’ girl’s never tried to milk the shop like cereal.

Jus’ sayin.

Anyhoot, see you pooh butts at Bomb McPromb.

Sad woman, take it slow

radmin — Sun, 23 May 2010 22:01:25 +0000

Uh.

We might be a little bit bad at this whole bloggin business. But hey: we’ve been steady ebay focused and manning the fishbowl that is the new storefront for the past few months – and that keeps our idle hands busy. Seriously, we get more stop-and-stares and “How much them cost?”s now than we ever did in Greenpoint, Shmeenpoint. And look how happy that makes lil’ Ryan!

So sorry Cali Brad, Cliff, and the other reader. It could be worse. Or even worser. Or the 77 blog.

In Other News…

dan — Mon, 03 May 2010 21:59:00 +0000

David is bored in Oakland…

Stay tuned for updates

Skeletal!

radmin — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 17:10:43 +0000

Validate my bad art! VALIDATE.

Take notice, if you will, of the infamous white Maxi currently being used as a sign-propper. This is the very same bike that was accosted one night by an angry Lexus. A still un-captured, at-large Lexus. Tax dollars at werk…

It’s Tuesday; I’m in love…

radmin — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 16:48:26 +0000

Please be respectful of our devout religious beliefs and wait until NOT MONDAY to argue with us over the price of a spark plug. I promise I’ll be there, bright and noony, on Tuesday for all your mopeding needs. Now do pardon as I spend the rest of my Funday Monday praying to Goro and watching all the Michael Winslow scenes from Police Academy (1-4, not Miami Beach, 6, or the Russian one) on Youtube.

Sign o’ the Day (Speak with Irish Accent, as Insincerely as Possible)

radmin — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 18:11:20 +0000

We love our Irish brethren almost as much as we love public drunkenness and even publicer shame, so of course we’re going to celebrate this March 17 with style.

For more cultural stereotypes, be sure stick around for Thanksgiving when we go OOWOOWOOWOO and scalp Bradley. FOR YOU, THE PUBLIC. Where’s my Jameson?

Sign of the Day???

radmin — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 23:39:47 +0000

Phoenix from the ashes! Check out the newest (and first in a long while) Sign of the Day from your recently transplanted Bushwicker Men:

aaaand

Coming soon, your very own virtual tour of the new neighborhood. Plus our salty salute to Greenpoint, possibly entitled: So Wrong and Thanks for All the Fuck.

Super Shop Splay-out

radmin — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 01:54:58 +0000

We promised shop movement, and by-golly The Orphanage Moped Shop delivered. Introducing Shop 2.0:
3D imagineered by dimensional frontiersman, Bradley Carroll.

OHSHITGORO

I Just Thesaurused “Poser”

radmin — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 01:44:58 +0000

So somebody out in San Fran thinks he got big enough britches to whup his old man? In an unprovoked act of blog douchery, 1977 mopeds decided to hand over the reigns of it’s typically snore-worthy blog to future New Yorker, current divorcee, Noel, who promptly developed a unique, not at all recognizable style and slanged the mud at your blog’s truly. Since you apparently didn’t learn the lesson of the last guy, I’ll gladly remind you that summers in Brooklyn can get awfully lonely for those who enjoy shitting where they eat. Awfully lonely, indeed. So get back to mopping up the bondage leavins or sniffing Pat’s farts or fetching coffee for Papa or whatever you counter-jockeys usually do while the men fix the bikes. Leave the blog bombs for the big dogs. Biters get bit. Free DMX.

Oh, and we just signed the lease for our new space. Yeah, whatever. Fuck you, Noah. OUT.

NPR: Now not just for Liberals and lonely types who enjoy being pleasantly talked-to!

radmin — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 20:35:34 +0000

The stink of a good story cannot evade the iron nose of the perpetually determined newshounds of Public Radio. Evidence: Studio 360 and their compelling Design for the Real World segment hunted me down and engaged me in some deep convo. Prepare yourself for the nasally ramblings of a man willing to sell moped culture up the river for his 15 minutes!

Kewt business, indeed!

The Winter of Our Discorntent

radmin — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 19:21:19 +0000

In lieu of blogging about how it’s (still) winter and we’re (still) hibernating, here’s the submissions for the Orphanage Mopeds T-shirt Corntest that I, uh, abandoned. Sorry, moped friends. 2010 will see some OrphMerch, I swear to gawd, and you won’t be disappoint.
Thanks to all who threw their names into the hat. The corn has been disposed of.

This one’s got man-squeezers on it. Just be warned; not for those uncomfortable with a womyn’s body.

Thanks again!

Wintercourse!

radmin — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 22:32:21 +0000

Hello abandoned blogeteers! December was a cold, cruel month for the official Orphanage Moped Shop Blog. Why? Because it’s fuckin cold, kids. We’ve been approaching ol’ Jack Frost with enthusiasm, though, so here’s a belated Holiday/New Year update from yours-still-mopedish in Greenpoint:

-Had ourselves a non-secular Holiday party on 12/12 (You missed the 12% discount, didn’t you?) that was quite the yule good time of the winter. Even M23 (rival gang) showed up to wish us a snowy one. Enjoy the festive decor:

-Them things we sell have been flying off the shelves. Tough New Yorkers have been braving the inclement weather to jump on the bandwagon. Atari Warfare Moped from Motion Left and a sleek Black Puch Maxi (that didn’t even make it to the sales floor) now have happy owners. Thanks for paying our rent!
-Someone other than us looks stupid in the press. Finally.
-Taco Bell reopened. We are currently wallowing in Grade D Bean Mix and scalding ourselves with Carmel Apple Empanada viscera. GLEEFULLY.
-The infamous neighborhood Greenpoint Hotel has been sadly de-hoteled. Now it is only a gross tenement building housing sad kid-feelers, no criminally misinformed out-of-town travelers.
-The Cincinnati Bengals won the AFC North and are headed to the playoffs. There shall be no jokes associated with football on this blog, people.
-Our Baton Rougean friend, Winston, came in second in the running for Most Downtrodden Orphan 2009. He’s a one-man bolt stripping army. There exists not a Metrakit he cannot seize. Silver Medal, Winny.
-Al Miller, frequently denimed half-asian from posts of yore, MK2 inside joke arteest, moped rally car target, friend and lover has yet again smashed his blue Puch into an unsuspecting automobile. 1st Place, little Al.
-Tiger Woods.
-Thunderhorse, Chicago captains of video jokery, moved to New York. Come to think of it, I don’t even think those guys even like mopeds anymore. Only coitus. Newsworthy?
-The Fact of the Day thing bombed. We admit our mistakes. Speaking of:
-Check out the soon-to-be-forgotten Orphanage Mopeds ongoing Q&A over at Formspring. Bradley’s doing a good job so far of using Wikipedia to alienate. Expect cryptic musings and NC-17 animated gifs.
-We’re half-heartedly selling stuff on eBay now. Go there, buy online, and complain that we didn’t send you a plastic dinosaur and broken Sheena Easton cassette tape in the box with your parts. Our trust funds have limitations, buyers. Sorry.

That brings us up to now! Only 2 more years until all hell breaks loose, so we’re going hard. Thanks for 2009. See you soon.

Urinary Fact Affection

bradley — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 23:36:48 +0000

When gentlemen in medieval Japan wished to seal an agreement, they urinated together, crisscrossing their streams of urine.

“Hack, brah?”

bradley — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 21:46:14 +0000

We continue “Fact o’ the Day” here at New York’s most yellowest moped emporium.

Facty:

Before 1850, golf balls were made of leather and were stuffed with feathers.

Sweet wind-breaker, Nathan.

Actual. Factual? Spectactual!

bradley — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 04:43:12 +0000

Wang depictions? Check.
Teets and their longitudal manipulation? Check.
Stank on your hangdown, buttcheeks and Mission 23? Check, Check, CBGB shirt, and check.

It’s all smel’asting a bit oaky, am I right?

¿Tiempo para muy fresca jokes en las bloggias?

Si.

Introducting… “Orph’ange Fact o’ the Day” – a daily proven published post (with choosy-moms-choose-GIF hotlinks!).

F-F-FACT:

Dr. John Cohausen wrote a book in 1743 “proving” that one could live to be 115 years old by inhaling the breath of little girls. In his book, Hermippus Redivivus, Dr. Cohausen gave the following prescription: ‘Take 1 pound of gum olibani, 2 ounces of styrae, myrrh, and several other herbs, mix, burn, and inhale while at the same time imbibing the exhalations of the nearest little girl.’

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm mmm mm m.

When does rally season start?

2012 Came Early

dan — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 22:07:56 +0000

It has long been predicted that the day R. Due and Davey Pierce met, the universe would implode.

Well here is your warning. Time to grab your significant other and hold them close before all of existence is gone completely.

Love, Dan

Oh yeah, I don’t know how to make links, so I hope you like your blog posts dry.

Art, Speech, Media, Love, Loss.

bradley — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 03:25:30 +0000

Who shot yee? Hint: It’s usually someone you already know, Sir Smalls.

* Speaking of… diminutive and bespectacled shop CEO, Ryan, recently brokered a sleaze dipped deal with the fashion porn up-start, Jacque Quarterly; free prop bike rentals for free shop advertising. Oh yes, and complimentary hard copies too. Bald? Yes, more!

* We’ve been… Thunder Horsed! Video DJs, Alex Gvisvtckkschtch and Taran, of the The Incredible Shrinking Moped Gang are in town shopping for Desert Storm T’s, Pomade-resistant white Levis and… apartments. Let the Great Eastern Migration commence.

* Plus-sized Blog Captain, Nathan, has gone off the grid and onto Cuteness Trail II: I Get Intercourse This Time, Right?. The second run of the Bonny & Clyde style road adventure, but in place of robbering banks, Nathan and his lady will antique shop, argue about the rental’s gas light, and ignore each other’s physical needs. It’s truly Mr. Roadmaster’s last ride.

Only in New York, kids, only in New York.

Wintert’s A-comin.

radmin — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 18:35:58 +0000

Hello brave consumers. Here at the Orphanage Moped Shop, we are entering into the chilly fall months (it’s 65 degrees outside) which means less moped ridin’ and more moped storin’. So, being the kind NYC moped despots we often claim to be, we are proud to offer you the following storage options for when you hang up the moped and bust out the mittens:

-Storage, paid up front at the time of drop off: $60 per month.
-Storage, paid monthly: $75 per month, paid no later than the 5th of each month.

And, as an added bonus to our space-leasers, a discounted labor rate!

-Hourly labor rate for repairs and upgrades while in storage: $45 per hour.

Use the harsh Large Apple wintery months to get that bike all kinds of gussied up! Yeah dude! If you’re interested, send us an email, then we’ll send you one, then you’ll reply, and we’ll send you noodz:

info@orphanagemopeds.com

Also! We’ll be selling stuff we normally wouldn’t sell to make room for the storagings. So if you’re looking for a winter project ‘ped, want a nice new bike to add to your fleet, or just want to take advantage of our close-out deals, give us a call or stop by the shop within the next few weeks to check out our offerings!

Winter sports are stupid! Come be our snow bunny.

Blogos! Blog of Fate!

radmin — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 21:15:55 +0000

Didja notice the blog’s back? Didja?

Not like we’ve been updating or anything: been too busy working real jobs (or fake ones in Richmond.) In gooder news, we’re now a dealer for Fulmer Helmets!

Dibs on being Fonda!

Also, we’re selling shoes now.

Plus, porns.