Archive for the ‘Welcome to the Neighborhood Now You Gonna Die’ Category

How To Ruin Your Blog in 60 Days

Thursday, August 19th, 2010

Apparently there are those who miss us, the bloggers, and all that we do. Sadly, Bloggy Blog is 6th or 7th down on the list of priorities – right behind lady jokes and Willie Nelson’s Countryman – now that we are operating Bushwick’s finest Motor-porium (Sorry Pote’s Custom Yarn Harleys). Since I am giving, kind, and all out of in-store innuendo, here’s one of those, sigh, recap rundowns:
- Summer has been in full swing. The Official Orphange Waitin’ List is back and is long. So call next time, unless you want to lock your bike around the corner and run the risk of it getting street-arted by bored youths.
- We sold bikes to suckers in transitionary pre-Real Motorcycle periods of their lives. Thanks suckers!
- 1977 packed up and closed down their San Fran store. Now whose floor is Flynn gonna mop?
- Cliff helps out on Sundays.
- The massive exodus from California continues – Annelise, Erin, Bella, Garvan, couple Treats dudes (evidenced by their top tanks, drug usage, and knowledge of castle sales), Joey, soon Noah, Ross from Cracked.com, Peter Fonda and Snake Plisskin, probably Pat Turner. Isn’t it exciting that you have no idea who these people are? Isn’t it?
- The New York Times put another superfluous nail in print’s coffin by featuring us in an article, complete with picture of awkward standabouts in front of the store and a Ryan Due filth machine.
- Time Out New York followed suit. Next thing you know some local rag you’ve never heard of will be jabbering about our takeover of fixed gear culture’s tiny hatted bandwagoneers.
- Oh wait.
- We sold more bikes.
- There was a rally hosted by Mission 23 and a person from Boston was overheard to say that it was “cool” and “fun.” Also, their new Dave Coulier inspired logo is finally allowing Michael Jordan fans to show their pride in public without fear of being associated with “Those Hot Rod fans.” And they cheated to beat us in softball.
- We postponed a trip to North Carolina via moped to spend our summer talking to people about how we don’t sell scooters.

So. How about you?

2012 Came Early

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009
The End of the World As We Know it

It has long been predicted that the day R. Due and Davey Pierce met, the universe would implode.

Well here is your warning. Time to grab your significant other  and hold them close before all of existence is gone completely.

Love, Dan

Oh yeah, I don’t know how to make links, so I hope you like your blog posts dry.

Shame Weekly

Saturday, September 5th, 2009

Not a single hitch so far. A smooth running machine. Well oiled, clockwork.

Nothing like this has happened. Nor this.

Photobucket

See ya at the Mission 23 shindiggery tonight!

Thievert!

Thursday, July 9th, 2009

Someone stole the shop’s Tomos Blue Bullet. Looks like this:

If you see it around town, hurt with extreme prejudice. After this debacle we’ve decided to relocate the shop to Scottsdale and sell decorative soaps. Still not hiring hippies.

Naming Your Business After Child Care Institution Has Its Drawbacks

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009

Ring-ring. Ring-ring.

“Orphanage Moped Shop.”

“Yes, hello. My name is (withheld) and I want to send you an oil painting.”

“Ok.”

“Yes, see I am a Christian man and an artist and I would love for you all to have one of my paintings – hang it anywhere you like – because it is the good Christian thing to do. And I want you to know that I am praying for the children each and every day, God bless them. I appreciate what you do for those kids. And it won’t cost you a dime. I just want to send you one of my oil paintings. I am calling from Ft. Worth, Texas. I assure you that it won’t cost you a dime – just want the children to have one of my paintings.”

“Yeah feel free to send us one of your paintings, but you probably don’t realize you’re calling a moped shop.”

“…”

“We sell mopeds.”

“Oh Good Lord!”

Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009

We’re all frowns here on account of this wholly moped-unfriendly weather. Ew:

Please send us more T-Shirt submissions. You officially have one week left. We’re busy mulling over the entries and not at all still watching our favorite unfortunate looking Scott sing songs that make us cry on our dicks.

How I Spent My Bummer Vacation

Tuesday, May 26th, 2009

WHEW. After a busy long-weekend full of hosting visitors, stocking new products, dumping an 8-ball of dirt out of a moped, Lauren giving herself another vagina, and people from Seattle perpetuating stereotypes we’re back to business as usual here at the Orphanage Moped Shop.

Selling out the scene on daddy’s dime! TAKE THAT, DAD!

They Call us Walking Corpses

Sunday, May 17th, 2009

Often we get questioned: “Box Street? Really? Why Greenpoint all the way down by Queens?” Wellsir. First of all, fuck yourself. Second of all, this:

I see your neighborhood kitsch and raise you soccer-tweens enjoying a delicious treat in skull paint. Sigh. If you’re not too busy banging a gender queer avant-garde sculptor or 45-year-old failed documentarian, please call us when you’re older. (Call Bradley now; don’t tell mom.)

We Were Closed Today.

Monday, April 27th, 2009

Monday is our repair/order/organize/clean day – no sales or store hours (or Sign of the Day). So Bradley and I worked on the Maxi Sport a bit. Then we had a nice lunch at Acapulco. I had a cheese and avocado torta, he had some steak tacos. It was pretty nice day. Then all hell broke loose and the world burned around us.

Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. Check out the rest of the photos here. Make sure you read the comments, unless you hate jokes about a bad car accident involving a guy who ran over an old lady in the middle of the road and then decided to flee the scene only to crash the shit out of his mom’s van when the cops gave chase.